128th G-View: Zettai Shougeki: Platonic Heart (Warning, Mature content)

Hello and welcome to the G-Views…I’m not going to finish the slogan.

….and now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…..I really don’t want to do this…but as a man of my word…oh goh.

Here it is, the historic portion of this 3 part G-View: Zettai Shougeki: Platonic Heart…help me.

English title: Master of Martial Hearts.

Genres: action, tournament

Themes: bishoujo, ecchi, fanservice, martial arts, revenge, street fighting

Number of OVAs: 5

G-Rating: A well deserved 1/10. This one…I won’t show any mercy like I did for Dokuro-chan.

This review will contain spoilers but for a show as bad as this one, who would care?

Plot Summary: Walking home from school Aya Iseshima stumbles upon a brutal brawl between two girls fighting over something called the “Platonic Heart”. Being a martial arts master herself Aya interferes in the fight to break it up. Afterwards Aya befriends one of the fighters and finds out the Platonic Heart is a jewel that can grant one wish for any girl that posseses it and there is a battle royal tournament going on for its control. Unfortunately for Aya it seems her interference has now registered her as a participant in the fight and it looks like there’s no way out but to win.

Before we begin peeling my sanity apart layer by layer, let me explain how I pick what ECCHIMANIA type shows I’m willing to watch. An ecchimania show must contain 5 of the following to get my seal of approval., oh and of course they have to be acceptable quality as well.
-Likable ladies,
-Acceptable plot.
-Good fights.
-Male characters that are either entertaining or can fend for themselves without having to rely on their Sekirei-ish harem.
-As few weenie males as possible.
-Most importantly: LESBIANS! (Subtext or canon).

Remember what I said about likable quality, this show has low budget written all over it. It’s your run of the mill fighting game tournament plot with a secret organization agenda hidden behind it. But this isn’t anything as awesome as either Shadoloo or the Mishima Zaibatsu, hell even NESTS. No this one’s much, much dumber than the aforementioned respectable evil organizations. What is it? Brain Dead Sex Slave scheme. Yup. This whole convoluted tournament is nothing more than a scheme to turn the losing women into mindless “Snooki” clones. Blegh. Don’t even get me started on the “twist”, twist once the REAL truth behind the tournament is revealed. Let me put it this way, it’s one of the worst, most convoluted revenge plots ever conceived by three generic morons who use their brains for no other reason than to masturbate in front of a mirror while jacking Alfredo Tortellini’s winky. I don’t even feel like telling you the full details but I will say that these kids’ parents are complete assholes who deserved getting their asses handed to them by Colonel Sanders.

Our “heroine” Aya, spends most of her time trying to do as best of an impression style performance a shot on shitteo actress can do of Sora from Kingdom Hearts. That’s right, “I’m looking for my lost friend who was sucked into the “dark realm”. Now you may be expecting something cool like in Kingdom Hearts but nope, the truth is much more painful, not to the characters but the viewer(s). So yeah, Aya saves the miko from crazy stewardess lady and she inadvertently gets sucked into the Platonic Heart tournament. After beating crazy stewardess lady, she finds that the miko mysteriously disappears and eventually figures that she must delve deeper into the tournament to discover the “awful” truth. Oh, and she has to fight someone dear to her in her 2nd match. This wouldn’t be so bad, if the plot, character development and voice acting weren’t handled so poorly. Seriously, aside from the matches and the big reveal in the end, nothing of importance happens in between. Also, like I said in the big reveal part, Aya will soon discover that all her moping was a complete waste of time and viewer’s patience.

Animation: Let me explain this part in one simple reaction after watching the 1st few minutes of episode 2: “Yes, I get it. Aya has big tits and looks good in the shower but why do you have to show this to me while flashing back to the 1st fight, miko’s disappearance ALL WHILE SHOWING RISING TEASER SHOTS OF AYA’S BODY WITH THE EVENTUAL NIPPLE REVEAL…6 FUCKING’ TIMES!” That’s right, even the fanservice quality on this show is bad. The FS here is even more forced than the usual ecchi anime and that’s just annoying. I get it, the chicks are hot but do you really have to emphasize it with close up shots every 3 minutes? It’s like these idiots wanted you to wear 3D glasses while watching this asinine excuse of an anime.

The music: Generic, forgettable bullshit that will make your ears bleed like a Vale of Tears. I did mention something about the voice acting being horrible. I wasn’t kidding. Aya sounds so monotone and empty of life that I can’t tell whether she’s angry or just really in a hurry to go to the bathroom. Her voice irritated me so much that it’s a miracle I didn’t turn the volume off. Oh but don’t think she was the only voice actress that made me want to rip a space monkey’s spine, the rest of the cast also had a hand at my descent to an empty hole of emptiness filled with dudu. Try to make sense of that sentence won’t you?

Some might ask, oh but what about the fights themselves? Are those at least good? Let me put it this way: Aya vs Cosplayer #77. Aya gets her ass kicked for 3 minutes by cosplayer with a gimmicky fighting style that’s ridiculous (Creative, but ridiculous nevertheless), gets her infinite number of school uniforms torn to shreds, Aya gets “Lingerie Power”, beats up her opponent in less than 5 seconds as her clothing is tron revealing her nipples, opponents bleed through the mouth. Rinse and repeat. Basically, you’ve seen one fight, you’ve seen them all. Aside from the gimmicky fighting styles, there’s no difference in any of the fights on the show. Dull and repetitive, like most John Cena matches up till recently (Unlike this bitch, at least Cena matches have slowly improved in quality).

Puh-lease, even Gillberg is more intimidating than you.

Let’s clear up something else. The show’s English title Master of Martial Hearts, is a crappy name. The REAL and more appropriate title for this show is: Schoolgirl on roid rage vs Cosplay Whores. At least that’s a more honest and truthful title. That way victims who bought this crap will know they just bought shit.

You know, all these complaints could be forgiven if the anime hadn’t committed the worst known crime in the action genre, IT’S BOOOOOOOORING! I had to sit through this entire clusterfuck with a bomb-like emotionless expression on my face. I never smiled, drooled, cheered, snarled…nothing. All I was doing was enduring this shitheap while all my anger against the writers for creating this abomination was building up inside me. Wait a second, I just thought of something while losing my mind…girls cosplaying and getting their clothes torn off till their nipples are shown, main organization is actually a slut market, the crime boss looks like Charlie Sheen…holy cow this OVA was secretly published by HUSTLER! It all makes sense now! The fiends.

In conclusion: This anime sucks cowdung! The characters are dull and generic, the fights are boring, the fanservice is 10 times more excessive than usual, the voice acting is annoying, the climax is one of the worst I’ve ever seen, the drama is poorly played.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this anime has accomplished something I never thought possible. It pissed me off even more than Dokuro-Chan ever did. That’s right. This anime is even WORSE than Dokuro-Chan. Yes, Cosplay Complex wasn’t good either but at LEAST it had some decent moments despite sucking. My advice, go play a fighting game instead. At least those aren’t usually bad unless they’re meant to be.

Oh yes Ayane, give me a high kick strong enough to forget this nightmare as I lovingly embrace your blossoming body while losing consciousness and blissfully recovering my sanity.

D’aww, if only…kunoichi sister goodness.