The Bizarre Adventures of Chuck Norris ep2:
T-Pocalypse Now
Note: Read episode 1 to catch up on the story.
Last time, we saw our valiant hero Chuck Norris and his tag team partner Glenn Beck put a stop to the evil Stevie Doggy Dog’s plans to revive his career and plague humanity with an endless marathon of his movies.
Afterwards, the Governator congratulated our heroes, but hours later a mysterious portal opened and an unexpected visitor arrived.
And so begins our next episode:
-WHO GOEZ ZHERE, IDENTIIFY YOURZELF!
-Schwarzenegger, hav you already forgottin about me?
-NO…..IT CANY BEE….YOU!!!!
-VAN DAMME!!!!
-Ya, and I have something very important to discuss with you, so if you’ll quietly follow me…
-NAIN!!! I THOUGHT I BANISHED YOU TO THE 70’S DIMENZION YEARS AGO.
-“Sigh”, the chubberlord does not like to be kept waiting, so….
Van Damme unleashes a lightning quick thunder kick, knocking the Governator unconscious.
-You need to get back to the gym you fellow has been.
In an unknown location:
-Mijn liege, I have brought the key to our plan.
-GOOD, SEAGAL MAY HAVE FAILED ME, BUT I TRUST YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF THINGS FROM NOW ON.
-As long as you keep jouw end of ze bargain.
-….yes yes, NOW GO AND BEGIN THE OPERATION.
-Yes mijn liege.
Placing the Governator, (still unconscious, man he’s gotten wimpy) onto a chair and using the canopenerulator, Van Damme Removes his brain and places the body in a freezer for a certain govt hutt to purchase for consumption.
-Now, it iss time to begin the invasion.
“Multiple red eyes open up after the brain is installed in the T-Generator.
-Bwahahahahah, GO mijn army, carry out the plan!
And numerous doors and escape doors open, unleashing the soldiers upon an unsuspecting world.
Later that day, our Heroes Chuck and Glenn are spotted training at the dojo of their fellow comerade Sensei Jackie Chan.
-Remember, only a fool goes to battle unprepared, using brute force without thinking will not always lead to victory.
Take Beck-san’s example, he was….”stoned” shall we say in the previous encounter.
So now Chuck-san, use the hoarse to counter my upcoming attack.
-Yes Master Chan.
But while they were initiating the sparring match, a pair of red eyes views from above the trees.
-ENEMY LOCATED, PROZEEDING TO ANIHALAITE.
Then a flying fist crashes into the dojo, countered by Glenn’s golden shovel.
-We’re not alone anymore.
-Who goes there, show yourself.
-I HAVE COM FOR CHUCK NORRIS, DEFY US AND YOU WILL BE TERMINATED.
What?
A Terminator?!
Didn’t Arnold seal them away after the war, along with….don’t tell me he’s escaped?
But who in their right mind would have the technology and stupidity to free a psychopath like Van Damme?
Talk later, kicking the areses now.
Chuck proceeds to try and kick the Terminator, but it quickly grabs his leg and tosses Chuck to a wall.
Laser eyebeams shoot all over the dojo, causing a fir to start.
‘Tornado Shovel”, Glenn spins and tries to whack the T, but it intercepts Glenn and headbutts him to the ground.
-NOW FOR NORRIS.
Suddenly from behind, A green orb of light hits the T in the back of his gas pump and shot it down.
Quickly helping Chuck and Glenn escape the burning dojo, they flee underground to reassess the situation.
-You see?
Going head on does not always guarantee victory.
-thank you master Chan, but the problem now is what’s going on?
Where did the Terminator come from and who knows if there are any more on the loose?
-Let’s check the Chan Cam.
What they witness on the news is an entire army of Terminators terrorizing Los Angeles and capturing celebrities, chickens, squids and pigs.
Van Damme suddenly appears and announces at a self organized press conference that he’s calling out Chuck Norris to see if he can “save the day” this time?
Without a 2nd thought, the dream trio immediately transform into their super forms, Walker Texas Ranger, Drunken Fist-sama and Prezzkill.
Arriving at the destination, the T’s are still on the rampage and the trio head to the only area unaffected by the invasion, Jim Cramer’s studio.
There, they find the all wise head of Cramer, who was sadly killed during the Wall Street depression era.
Now his spirit lives on as a floating stock guru head.
Currently asleep, the trio strategize a plan and once set, attack the T’s head on.
Prezzkill begins the assault by luring the T’s with immitation Castrol GTX.
The T’s eyes pop and tongues slurp as they walk like mindless zombies after the can and instead get smashed in the back by Glenn’s Triple combo packed Shovel.
5 down, 50 to go.
Next came the Drunken One, who with his instability and skills with 1000 Martial arts, he swiftly dodges the T’s rocket punches and knee crushes.
Although one was able to grab DM and spin toss him, DM quickly flipped his way onto a cannonball shape and pinballed the T’s head on in their back pipes.
20 down, 30 to go.
Walker was surrounded by 10 T’s who were ready to Terminate, but he was ready this time.
The T’s unleashed uzis and shot at Walker, but he used his keen sense ability and manged to split dodge the bullets at the exact moment the bullets.
Using a spin-a-roonie swirl to blow away the T’s, Walker immediately launches a Hyakkuretsu Kyakku on 5 T’s.
The remaining 5 try to hit him with sledge hammers, but he dodges them as they smash each other on the head and he finishes them with a spinning bird kick.
10 down, 10 left.
Our heroes finally locate Van Damme waiting for them at Hollywood Boulevard.
-“Claps slowly”, well done heren, you have managed to stop the Terminators almost entirely.
Alas, you have failed to save the celebrities, as they’ve already been….converted to the master’s way.
-What exactly are yuou up to Van Damme, why were you freed and who is this master of yours?
-“Laughs softly”, it’s too late now, for the mission is complete and all I have left now is to exact my revenge on ze world.
Prepare yourselves dream trio, for the end is nigh.
Arnold, DESTROY THEM.
-YA, MIJN HEIR.
-Suddenly the trio is confronted by a giant floating Terminator head with Arnold’s brain in the center.
Shooting eyebeams and spitting green flames, the head attempts to fry our heroes to crisp.
-Hahahaha, with the Governator’s mind under my control, California is doomed to destruction…Hahaha.
Go Arnold, leave nothing standing!
Going into a discoball spin, the head fires at all buildings and citizens, trying to destroy our heroes.
Prezzkiller tries to use his triple combo shovel to fire heat seeking missiles at the head, but a barrier blocks the attack.
-This isn’t working guys
-I figure we have 2 options, we either find a way to shut down Arnold’s brain or take out Van Damme.
-Let’s try this, Jackie, you and Glenn try to stop the head, while I deal with Van Damme.
“Where politics run amok and mad celebrities have their way, the Dream Trio will be there to smack their cracks sky high”
So, we take you now to Walker, as he prepares to take on Van Damme.
-Make Arnold stop right now or I’m sending you to jail for being crazy and anti-gay.
-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…..YA!
Van Dame transforms into one of his roles…Colonel William Guile!
And so the battle begins, Sonicbooms flying and roundhouse kicks wooshing.
Guile uses a flash kick to decapitate Walker, but misses and Walker swiflty goes behind Guile and German Suplexes his ass to China.
But Guile gets up and delivers a Sonicboom from close range and prepares another Flash Kick while Walker is stunned, but Walker amazingly grabs Guile’s powered up leg and delivers a dragon screw with an axe kick to the head.
Down and stunned, Guile barely gets up and holds a tv remote.
-I’m pushing the self destruct button, if I can’t have my way, then California will be destroyed!
My acting career came to an end right here and I was planning to revive it, but that damn Arnold stopped me and my factory made Terminators then banished me to that retched dimension.
The master freed me and helped me continue with my plans in exchange for helping him with his.
But I don’t care anymore, California will be destroyed.
-No, Stop Van Damme.!
Suddenly, the giant Arnold head comes crashing in the building and crashes, popping Arnold’s brain out of the head and into a jar of tomato juice.
-Nooooooooooooo, how could you two destroy my greatest machine?
-We just found the electrical cord behind it and unplugged it.
-Come forth my 10 remaining Terminators, let our powers combine!
And so the 10 T’s and Van Damme fused together to become a sunglasses wearing, red haired, steroid induced beefcake known as……JEAN CLAUDE VANTERMINATRIX!
Though the metallic beast was mighty, the dream trio were able to defeat him by combining all their power and transferring them into Walker’s all powerful Hadouken finishing move.
As Van Damme’s body, busted up, crushed and crispy lies motionless on the ground, he says..
-You may have defeated Seagal and myself, but zere are many more coming who will be hunting you down Walker.
You are now a wanted man.
This….is…only…the….beginning…Van… Damme…out…
-What a mess, call Pepboys to come clean this mess up and get some money for recycling.
-Maybe it’ll save them from going bankrupt.
-although it is most unfortunate we were not able to save all the people who were captured.
-I hope that what’s coming next won’t be another disaster like today.
Meanwhile, in an unknown location.
-CURSES, now Van Damme is gone too, however, all is not lost for I have gained a whole new alliance under my control.
Now then, my right hand….are you ready to instruct our newest allies on their instructions.
-Yes my liege.
Oh, what will we do with this brainless body?
-Like Van Damme originally planned, sell it to Limbaugh the Hutt, it’ll make a tasty meal for him, the gluttonous fool of a repblican space scum.
-That it will Hihihihihi “Snort snort snort”
To be continued.
The Yuri Empire 